when life gets in the way

What I really want to do today is stay in my yoga pants and slippers
and write. What I have to get done today is a laundry list of
activities for my children and for Church. I will not get any laundry
done, and it needs to be, I will not get any cleaning done, I think
there is there a floor underneath all that stuff, I will be lucky to
get dinner going in a crockpot and maybe get a shower in. But that's
not what I want to do.

I want to stay home today and continue the fabulous novel I have begun
as a part of writing challenge I accepted in the month of November.
The characters are calling for me to finish their stories. They want
to know how everything ends. And to be honest so do I. This novel has
taken so many turns that were unexpected that even as I sat writing I
would stop and think 'they did what?' It was almost as if my fingers
and brain were disconnected. I am enjoying reading my story as much as
writing it. Hence my disappointment at having to be a part of the real
world today. It is cold out, looks like snow and I have more
obligations that I happily volunteered for. What was I thinking?

I believe that moms today don't take enough time out for themselves.
Or if we do, we do it late at night, trying to fit in all the things
that we 'wanted' to do in a short span of time that eventually cuts
into our sleep. Then the vicious cycle begins of no sleep, grouchy
mom, yells at kids, doesn't get her stuff done, feels under
appreciated, feels selfish, puts kids to bed in evening, grabs glass
of wine, sits down at computer, forgets world and clock and writes,
looks up at clock and realizes if she goes to bed now she will get
exactly five hours of sleep, goes to sleep and then it begins again.
Okay, this may not be the typical scenario. It is my scenario. But if
you just fill in your activities I am sure it is a very similar cycle.
We sacrifice our own needs all day long and then again at night for
our children.

And what does all this sacrifice get us? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
The kids don't recognize our sacrifices because well, they are kids.
Our husbands don't recognize our sacrifices because they actually go
to sleep at night. We as moms must simply endure this chaotic time
when our children are small. Our reward will come. Probably in the
form of grandchildren one day and the ability to say things like "huh!
Acts just like you!" to one of our own children. This is when
vindication will occur. But until then I will continue to rise early
and go to sleep late to continue my addiction to the written word. And
my children? Well it's the weekend and that's what t.v. and delivery
pizza are all about!

ADHD

My son is ADHD and the emphasis is on the H! He has so much energy
that if we could bottle it we would be very, very rich. But he CAN
focus, when he wants to. He can be absorbed in a book or building
legos for hours. However, if you ask him to do any kind of writing
assignment he has a tantrum worse than my two year old. He lays there
prostrate on the floor whining and crying about how I don't understand
how hard it is because I am a writer. It makes me wonder how much of
the tantrum is for me and how much of it is real frustration at not
being able to get his thoughts organized. I have a feeling it might be
a little of both.

I think that my son's diagnosis has sometimes affected me more than
him. His life is pretty much the same. He still has the same
difficulties and the same challenges. Mine however, have changed
drastically. I now have to diagnose symptoms and changes in him to
determine if his behavior is part of his condition or not. For
example, recently we discovered he is sensitive to red dye. This is
quite common in people who have ADD/ADHD. It makes him erratic and
almost uncontrollable. As both his catechism teacher and regular
school teacher informed me when they both called me on the same day
earlier this week complaining about his behavior. The end result is
now I need to add to his medical records that he shouldn't take
amoxycillin due to the red dye added to it to make it attractive to
children.

As we head into the holidays I have decided they are quickly becoming
my least favorite time of year. The glitz and glamour and crowds and
waiting that are all a part of this time of year are also all the
triggers that will set my son over a cliff. How can I keep him a part
of the holidays and yet separate to protect him?

How can I protect him is my theme every day. How can I protect him
from people who don't understand or won't understand that his
behaviors are sometimes uncontrollable? How can I protect my son from
the students in his class who see his explosions and decide that they
don't want to be friends with him? How can I protect my son from his
own family members that believe corporal punishment is the answer? How
can I help my son understand that his confusion and frustration are
okay and that we will figure out a way to get his writing assignment
done? How can I get my son to stop saying that he is worthless and
that he wishes he were dead? These are the average everyday concerns
of a parent of a child with ADHD.

My level of stress has risen in the past year. I feel so bad for him
and yet his behaviors send me to the moon on the anger scale. What is
the right answer? Is there one? Just as my son must learn to behave
correctly for society as a result of his condition I must also
continue to research and inform everyone around us that he is not
being a jerk it is just that he lacks social savvy. People are often
misinformed on ADHD. They believe it is something children can grow
out of. It's not. It is a lifelong condition. It is not a result of
too much t.v. or too little discipline. It is a genetic trait. It is a
direct trait. It must come from one of the parents.

In my case it is my husband who has it. We didn't discover this until
we diagnosed my son. It was amazing that the things we often fought
about were really just side effects of his condition. So now I don't
yell at my husband or son when they leave shoes out or papers
scattered. They honestly don't see the mess. They live in chaos and
they don't know how to organize. That is not how their brains work.

As a wife and mother of someone who has ADHD I commend all mothers who
have conditions that they deal with day to day. This is one of those
gray areas of parenting. One that is not discussed in mothering books.
If it were it would be titled: How to deal with adversity; the 'real'
story of motherhood.

crazy mornings

I would say as a mom my most stressful time of the day is the morning.
It really doesn't matter whether I get up early or not because the
stress begins when the kids get up. Everyone needs to get dressed,
breakfasted, teeth brushed, hair combed, faces washed, lunches packed,
etc.

The funny thing is each and every morning my three adorable children
act as though this is the first run time we've done the morning
routine. I am seriously thinking about just letting things go tomorrow
to see how it works out. Maybe if I don't tell them to do all of these
things they will actually get done without my eye twitching. I have
found that by nine most mornings I am taking my first dose of Tylenol
for the day. Maybe this wouldn't be necessary if I just shut up and
let them run through it themselves.

After all I was a latch key kid and by the time I was in fourth grade,
like my eldest, I was responsible for all the above and by myself. My
parents had already left for work by the time I got up. I think of
this now and it seems ridiculous! I wouldn't leave my kids alone in
the morning! And yet, that was the norm when I grew up. I even walked
to school by myself and it was just under a mile. To think of that now
scares the pants of me. I did this for three years until I switched
schools and was required to take a bus.

What would happen if I let them start to take on more responsibility
in the morning? It might make for a few stressful days until they
learn the routine again. It might make for a much less stressed out
mom in then end. I might even get a cup of coffee and a chance to eat
my own breakfast before ten o' clock. I think I will run this
experiment and let you all know how it goes.

Until then keep on parenting!

sorry!

This is just a little note to apologize. No blogging will probably
happen for the next couple of weeks. I am doing the nanowrimo
challenge and am about 1/5 of the way done. Most of my writing efforts
are going that direction. Of course this means I am abandoning my
children as well. They have been running around like wild banshees and
have taken to eating cereal because they can make it themselves. Take
care and may your coffee cup never run dry!
See you all in a couple of weeks!
Kiki

procrastination

Well I've done it again. One of my kids has handed me a challenge and
I have accepted it. The challenge is to make a cheetah costume. I've
known about this challenge for several weeks at least. Today I am
considering actually getting to it. Of course several things have
diverted my attention from completing this challenge, this blog being
one of them.

Why have I procrastinated again until the last minute? I could blame a
myriad of things but I think really I was just waiting for an easier
way out of the situation. Isn't that really why most of us
procrastinate anyway? It's not that I mind making her costume. I like
to sew. In fact it is going to be very similar style to the one I made
for her last year. Last year she was a ninja. But not just any ninja,
she had to be a blue ninja. It needed pink trim, what ninja would be
without that, and it needed a unicorn symbol on the shirt.

This year it is actually easier because there is no extras. Just a
simple pair of pants and top in a cheetah print. (We have a tail and
headband with ears already.) However, simplicity does not necessarily
seem to be a motivator in this case. The fact that Halloween is this
weekend should be a motivator but it's not. Also, you would think my
daughter would be yammering about getting to see her costume, but
she's not. So I have no real "pressing" need to get this done.

When my children procrastinate I try to talk to them about the reasons
behind it and try to find ways to make it easier to complete the task.
Why can't I seem to be able to do this for myself? I think I need to
reset my challenge and make it completing the costume by the end of my
toddler's naptime today. Ahhh...that just actually got me excited.
Hmm, maybe what I needed was not a challenge but rather a closer
deadline to have it done in. Thus bringing the since of urgency I
apparently needed to complete this task.

Good luck this week with all of your Halloween going ons! May you not
procrastinate all those mom things you need to get done! But if you do
good luck in finding your trigger to complete all those tasks. And
wish me luck in my costume completion! Project Runway eat your heart
out!

selfishness

I think as a mom I have become very selfish. I am a very giving person
by nature. However, when I give of myself all day long I sometimes
find myself feeling grumpy about it. I find that my internal dialog
becomes "I have given you meals today, I have given you attention, I
have met your needs now give ME a break!" The problem being of course
that children don't understand that concept.

My children have come to accept Mommy giving all day as the norm. But
what about the days I don't feel well and just can't keep up? Well
those are the days I get the responses "You don't love me, if you
really wanted to help..." and my personal favorite "Daddy? Why is
Mommy so grumpy?"

But children don't understand the complexities of give and take. They
have been given things their whole lives. It isn't until we start
teaching them the idea of share does this concept of give and take
start to take hold. But then it is very difficult to apply outside of
their own needs. Children don't stop to think that maybe what Mommy
needs is time alone. This thought is no where near their radar. Mommy
equals comfort so they must stick to you like glue at all times. When
they need to recharge they come to you. When you need to recharge you
probably find yourself running from them.

I find that since I spend so much time with my children and my
obligations to them and their school I often times do not want to
apply myself to others in my life. It becomes too much to socialize
with my in-laws and that dialog goes like this "really do I have to
go? Their your parents." It becomes sometimes too much to socialize
with my friends; "if I just facebook them or email them, they'll know
I care."
But these sometimes are the sources of not more stress but rather a
recharge of self. Take the kids to the in-laws and let them play (away
from you!). Get together with girlfriends and joke about children,
husbands, laundry piles.

These times can be acceptable selfish indulgences. It helps recharge
us as people and as mothers. It is okay to give yourself a "mommy time
out" for five minutes behind your closed bedroom door. Sometimes I
have to take a couple in the same day. But they allow me to pull
myself from a possibly damaging situation. One where I lose my temper
and say things I don't mean to people I love.

I think as mothers we need to look past things others would call
selfish and readdress them as indulgences. Do they make us stronger?
Do they allow us to be a better mom, wife, friend? Then they are
acceptable. You need to recharge to be able to continuously give.
Find what recharges you and make a point to put it on the
calendar...in INK!

how to stress yourself out

I think as moms we live with an incredible amount of stress in our
daily lives. Things childless people take for granted such as
showering can become a source of stress for a mom. How to get in the
shower without waking the baby, how can you take a shower when a
toddler is awake and can get into anything, how many days is it
acceptable to go without showering? These are few random thoughts I
have personally had.

I have found that I am my own worst enemy. I take on stress like it's
a new hobby. You need a chair for the mom to mom sale, sure no
problem. You want a bake sale with that, yep got it. Volunteer once a
week with a toddler in tow in a first grade classroom, check. Pack a
healthy lunch every day for said children, boo-ya! Eat chocolate like
a champ at the end of the day due to stress levels, done.

So why do it, you may ask? Because it is in my nature to be a doer.
Well, in most cases anyway. Apparently that same logic does not apply
when it comes to housework or laundry. I am by nature a leader. I will
take things on when others are afraid to. It doesn't bother me until I
realize that my three children have needs. They need me to read a
story, need me to check homework, need me to give them baths, need me
to find lost shoes, need me to bring forgotten lunches to school. You
get the point right?

In the midst of all these needs arise my stress levels because I am
unable to complete all the duties I took on. Then the screeching mom
comes out. She screeches at children to pick up toys, clothes and put
away dishes. She screeches at her husband to help and wonders why he
can't see the messes around him? She internally screeches at herself
to shut up and get a grip. It rarely happens.

I am hoping that my next blog will involve some form of how to de-
stress yourself. Especially right before the holidays. In the
meantime, remember that you are only one person. And that there has
got to be another idiot in the crowd just waiting to say yes. It
doesn't always have to be you!

tantrums

Tantrums are a way of life in my house. It is funny because as a
parent it is the one thing you dread and absolutely cannot control.
You find yourself doing damage control when one happens in public but
pray that they only happen at home where you can hide your "lack of
parenting skill".

This is where I give you some great advice and you all nod and say
"wow!" she's really good at this. However, that's not going to happen
because I would be a big fat liar! I will be very honest and say that
there have been more than a few occasions where children tantrums have
become adult tantrums.

I really hate losing control. I am very type A. I try so hard to keep
control in my life and I have realized with children it is just
constant chaos. It is incredibly trying for me to deal with tantrums.
I don't have a problem if we are home and no one witnesses them but in
public people are so super critical. They judge you immediately on how
you deal with the situation. However, it is an unfair judgement, how
do you control another being? Age does not matter. I can guide my kids
but I cannot control them. Trust me, I've tried!

For me the most amazing part of this whole parenthood gig is that you
think things go in stages. I am sure they do to a certain point but
for the most part I have experienced that there are no stages, rather
ebb and flows. For instance I was sure that by 9 years old my son
would be past tantrums. Not true. He has them on a regular basis. I am
not sure what triggers them. I think often times it is because he is
over tired. What I will tell you with absolute certainty is that I
don't know how to deal with them. And they are probably my biggest
button.

I expect tantrums from my 2 year old. Not from my older two. Certainly
not from myself. And yet we all have them. So if you are reading this
thinking that you are incredibly fortunate to not deal with tantrums,
bully for you! If you have found yourself sighing in relief, welcome
to the club. You've earned your tantrum patch and it is in the mail!

Bullies

I really hate people who bully. I think that it is a nasty personality
trait. I do not enjoy being bullied and have made a point in my life
to step in when I see others around me being bullied, adults and
children alike.

I know personally I have been bullied by my husband's family to be
and do as they would have me. I have found this to be a very bad
thing. It has affected my marriage and my mothering alike. You
shouldn't try to be someone you are not to please those around you. I
did and it didn't stop the bullying and just made me a shadow of my
former self. It also made me resentful to these women and my husband
who I felt didn't step in to stop it. He rather just accepted it as
who they were. Truly that makes me sad. Sad for me being bullied and
sad for them that this type of behavior is "accepted."

I am not sure as a mom how to deal with bullying from my children
however. My eldest is constantly picking on his younger sister. To the
point of her screaming and hitting him. Unfortunately then I have two
issues, the hitting and the bullying. Now I am in a pickle because I
have to send them to separate corners to deal with everyone. And
usually in the end it doesn't make a lick of difference. And the only
thing that has happened is I have lost my cool and wasted my time.

So my question is do you deal with bullying? How do you stop it?
Should I just let them work it out? I am concerned because my son
seems to take a great interest in it and often has a little smirky
smile on his face. Which to be honest is a button pusher for me. I
don't want him to grow up to be a bully. I don't want him to be like
those people in our family who bullied me. It makes me concerned that
these behaviors are genetic as well as learned.

I want my children to be more like me and be a bully stopper. I hope
that in the end I can show them these traits through my actions and
words and that in the end they will choose to emulate me.

I would love to hear from others who might be having bullying issues
as well!

modern motherhood

I am feeling a little sorry for my family. The past two nights they
have had crummy dinners. Well, they loved them because it was pizza
and Wendy's. I felt terrible for infusing their bodies with that junk.

The problem is that I am looking to go back to work. And the journey I
am embarking on has involved a phone interview and two live
interviews. Due to my stress level and my self preparing I have
completely neglected my family. This begs the question "What will
happen when I get the job?"

I realize that I will need to be more prepared, more organized and
maybe get more help. The idea of modern motherhood is that we moms
think we can do it all, be it all, conquer everything. By ourselves.
No help. It's kind of a slap in the face to those around us who
continually offer to help. But we don't see it that way. We see it as
success. We pat ourselves on the back and say "look at what I have
accomplished!" It is a badge to be worn and admired.

Really it is just stupidity. Why wouldn't we take help? Why wouldn't I
let my husband cook? Or grocery shop? Or fold clothes, okay that one I
do let him do, I really hate laundry. But the point is will the world
stop spinning if I don't do those things? Or if they are not done
exactly the way I would do them? No, no it would not.

That is a hard thought to swallow if you are a type A, compulsive,
control freak. And I am. So this idea of modern motherhood needs to
evolve and shift into a new idea for me. I need to morph was I was
doing with what I will be able to do. I will need to look for help.
And I will need to not pick on myself if I am not superwoman. My kids
will not suffer, my husband will not suffer and Wendy's every now and
then definitely will not kill them.

independence

Wow have my kids got independence in spades! I would like to think
that I am somewhat responsible for this but I have feeling I am just
responsible for the stubborn gene that maybe led to the independence.

This week my son has decided that he would suddenly like to start
wearing dress shirts to school. This is my tee-shirt and exercise
pants wearing kid. He has worn button down dress shirts with jeans the
past two days. When I asked him this morning if he wanted me to buy
more he said "No. Well maybe just like ten of them."

My son has suddenly decided to be his own stylist in the way of
clothes and hair. He has been growing his hair out since this summer
he and the neighborhood boys formed a "band" in our garage. This is a
testament of my patience because it looks really scraggly and sticks
up in the back and I have to let it go. He sometimes doesn't remember
that now that it is getting longer he actually needs to comb it.

My youngest is also struggling with independence. She wants to do
everything now. Take off her own diaper, hold her own hand when
crossing the street, and putting on her own shoes (usually on the
wrong foot.) She gets frustrated when she can't do something or when I
won't allow her to do something on her own. It is amazing to see her
growth and her determination.

I think that is one of the greatest joys of motherhood. Seeing that
your children are growing, making their own choices, and determining
their own paths. Sometimes it is heartbreaking to realize that they
don't "need" you as much as you would like. But other times it is
awesome to realize that you have done your job so well that they don't
need you to help them as much or make all of their decisions for them.
Independence is what you strive for your child to have. Remember to
give them the tools to succeed in this lifelong endeavor!

Why I would not make a good sheep dog

I would not make a good sheep dog because despite my attempts at
herding my brood I cannot seem to get them to go in the direction I
would like. This is extremely frustrating to me. Especially on weekends.

On weekends we clean the house and run errands. We are trying to get
it all done early so that we can work around my youngest daughter's
naptime. However, the only thing we were successful at was me getting
angry.

Angry at the complaining. Angry at the noncompliance. Angry at the
lack of listening skills. Angry at myself for my lack of patience and
for losing my cool.

How is it that four people who I am supposed to love with all my heart
can make me angrier than I have ever been? They push all my buttons,
which is easy because they created them.

Why is it that I am expected to keep a clean house but they don't have
to help out? Why am I held to a standard that does not actually allow
me to get anything done? For instance while cleaning my bedroom this
morning my youngest got into the snack drawer four times. Four times!
First it was raisins, then vegetable straws, some rice crackers and
lastly some graham crackers. While part of me praises her independence
the other part of me is thinking "now cut that out!" I simply can't be
in another room from her. She is two.

So how is it possible for me to accomplish my mountain of need to's?
It's not. So it adds up and then the weekend hits and I think "great,
now I will have extra hands to help me." But it never goes like that.
So I end up yelling for them to clean their rooms and put away shoes
and toys because the first three times I asked nicely fell on deaf ears.

These are the moments no one tells you about at your baby showers.
These "real life" moments. I think I would rather have gotten books on
how to tame your independent, stubborn child then the books on infant
care. Turns out taking care of a baby is rather easy compared to an
adolescent.

So when you think to yourself there is more to do than hours in the
day do not despair. All of the moms in the motherhood club are right
there with you. They may like to pretend they have it all together
but they don't or they have a maid, a nanny, terrifically helpful
parents or in-laws. I think what all moms need is a good housecleaning
fairy and maybe a good sheep dog. One that can actually move the herd
in the right direction without losing it's temper.

chocolate chip cookie mom

Today is a chocolate chip cookie mom day. (If you have read my other
posting, you will understand.)
I took my youngest daughter to Kindermusik today and she loved it. Not
only did I enrich my child today
through music but I did it with my hair actually blown dry and makeup
on. This is really a huge
accomplishment for me; to be dressed and showered in the morning.
Today was a make-up day for Kindermusik because we missed the first
class last week.
When we entered the teacher didn't even recognize me and I was there
just yesterday. This just
goes to show what a shower and makeup can do...oh and no yoga pants
today.
As moms I think we are so busy focusing on our children that we often
don't take time
for ourselves. Even the simple act of showering can sometimes be put
off until later in
the day because I am caught up in the chaos of the morning. In my
house I have
to wake up three children, feed them three different breakfasts, get
them dressed,
teeth brushed, hair combed, backpacks packed and all before I usually
get a cup
of coffee. To ask for a shower in this mix is almost unheard of.
Now some of you would argue "why not just get up earlier" well because
turning on the shower wakes two of the three up. I really don't need
them up
any earlier than they already rise. Usually six thirty-ish. It makes
for cranky days at school
and home. Only one of my children sleeps in and some days this makes
her my favorite.
But today, despite two of my children rising before 7 a.m. And the
usual morning arguments.
I managed to shower, dress in "real" clothes and wear makeup. And I am
not sure if there
is a direct correlation but it definitely has made me a chocolate chip
cookie mom today.

The Motherhood Club

When you join the motherhood club everyone has advice for you.  They have advice for your pregnancy, they have advice for your body after pregnancy, they have advice for your baby, toddler, adolescent, pre-teen, young adult etc. Everyone has advice. Not one bit of it was applicable to me.

Not because I had perfect pregnancies, or lost all my baby weight right away or even parented like a champ through a toddler melt down in Target. But because their experiences and my own were not the same.  They never would be the same. I am me. You are you. We deal with situations, emotions, and our lives differently.

That is not to say that the advice I was given was bad, though some of it was, or that it was not useful, some of it was brilliant. It’s just that as a parent I wanted to do things my way. The way that would be the best and most appropriate for my life and my child’s life.

I would love to be able to say that I did it just like this. Unfortunately I am a people pleaser. So I tried to make everyone happy by doing everything they said and in the end made myself quite unhappy. It took me many years and three children to realize that advice is just advice.

Motherhood is tough on the best days. I had no idea that I would fight with my son on the most inane things like brushing teeth, putting on clean underwear, or making lunches. I thought our fights wouldn’t begin until junior high. I had no idea that fourth grade was going to be so combustible, or emotional. That my daughter would be dealing with a bully in first grade was also a shock. How can I protect them is my constant running dialogue with myself.

I find that most days I am unhappy with my job as a mother. I intended to be so good, wonderful and caring; a chocolate chip cookie mom. What I have become is a shrew. A did you make your bed, do your homework, pick up your toys, put away your clothes mom. Where is the joy in that? I wanted memories to be Hallmark moments.

I want my children to be proud of me. I want my children to love me. But how can they when I am not proud of myself? When I realize I miss working so that I could take a sick day. When I miss days where I could sleep in, read a book or not even eat all day. Those days are gone.

My new reality is as a housekeeper, chef, waitress, butler, chauffer, cheerleader, washwoman, personal stylist and hairdresser. I had no idea I would have so many roles and that none of them would be appreciated. “Mo-om, do I have to brush my teeth?” “No dear, only the ones you want to keep.” I have even become a comedian.

All in all do I regret my role as a mom? No. I love it. It is hard and I have cried many tears because it is an emotional journey. It has incredible highs of joy and incredible lows of sorrow. I would recommend it to anyone but I would give them one piece of advice; do not set the bar too high for yourself and remember to forgive yourself as you make mistakes, because as a mom you will make plenty. And those sweet little children of yours will be there to point out every one.