Where's my puppy?
I need a story.
I need to go potty.
These are some of the various phrases I hear after I have tucked my
daughter in.
I sigh, leave my computer, walk down the hall, and tuck her back in
with the current need. I should probably not feel resentment but I do.
These are the days I live for 'night-night' time. It disturbs me
greatly when I feel relief and possibly even joy at the fact that I
have tucked the little darlings in for the night. So when they escape
I sigh and feel as though my time is being cut into. I've just sat
down, I think to myself. What else can they possibly need? Why won't
they go to sleep? Then I feel guilt. They are only children after all.
They can't understand that I give myself ten times over to them during
the day and that in the evening I want to reclaim myself, the writer,
the woman, the lover, the wife. I often find that after long
exhausting days I am unable to reconcile myself to the fact that I am
any of those other women.
Some days I find that I regret my decision to have children. No, I
don't really regret them. I just say that when I am feeling ragged. I
love them more than life itself. But even life is trying at times.
Why is it that I find myself responsible for every emotion they feel
during the day? If they are happy, I am happy, if they are sad, I am
sad and I try to fix it. If they are angry, there is a good chance it
is because I am angry. It is a game of emotional calisthenics.
I find myself wondering when we will grow out of the tantrums; mine
and theirs. Do other mothers find themselves thinking these thoughts I
wonder. Am I alone on an island of chaos? Am I the only one feeling
anger, regret, and exhaustion?
I know in my heart that in the next hour silence will envelop our
household and I will feel my shoulders descend from my earlobes as I
let go of the stress I have carried all day. I will turn off lights,
put away books, tuck in errant limbs and thank God for the wonderful
gifts I have been blessed with.
No comments:
Post a Comment