When you join the motherhood club everyone has advice for you. They have advice for your pregnancy, they have advice for your body after pregnancy, they have advice for your baby, toddler, adolescent, pre-teen, young adult etc. Everyone has advice. Not one bit of it was applicable to me.
Not because I had perfect pregnancies, or lost all my baby weight right away or even parented like a champ through a toddler melt down in Target. But because their experiences and my own were not the same. They never would be the same. I am me. You are you. We deal with situations, emotions, and our lives differently.
That is not to say that the advice I was given was bad, though some of it was, or that it was not useful, some of it was brilliant. It’s just that as a parent I wanted to do things my way. The way that would be the best and most appropriate for my life and my child’s life.
I would love to be able to say that I did it just like this. Unfortunately I am a people pleaser. So I tried to make everyone happy by doing everything they said and in the end made myself quite unhappy. It took me many years and three children to realize that advice is just advice.
Motherhood is tough on the best days. I had no idea that I would fight with my son on the most inane things like brushing teeth, putting on clean underwear, or making lunches. I thought our fights wouldn’t begin until junior high. I had no idea that fourth grade was going to be so combustible, or emotional. That my daughter would be dealing with a bully in first grade was also a shock. How can I protect them is my constant running dialogue with myself.
I find that most days I am unhappy with my job as a mother. I intended to be so good, wonderful and caring; a chocolate chip cookie mom. What I have become is a shrew. A did you make your bed, do your homework, pick up your toys, put away your clothes mom. Where is the joy in that? I wanted memories to be Hallmark moments.
I want my children to be proud of me. I want my children to love me. But how can they when I am not proud of myself? When I realize I miss working so that I could take a sick day. When I miss days where I could sleep in, read a book or not even eat all day. Those days are gone.
My new reality is as a housekeeper, chef, waitress, butler, chauffer, cheerleader, washwoman, personal stylist and hairdresser. I had no idea I would have so many roles and that none of them would be appreciated. “Mo-om, do I have to brush my teeth?” “No dear, only the ones you want to keep.” I have even become a comedian.
All in all do I regret my role as a mom? No. I love it. It is hard and I have cried many tears because it is an emotional journey. It has incredible highs of joy and incredible lows of sorrow. I would recommend it to anyone but I would give them one piece of advice; do not set the bar too high for yourself and remember to forgive yourself as you make mistakes, because as a mom you will make plenty. And those sweet little children of yours will be there to point out every one.
